I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. At times that is dangerous, but this time, things are making sense. First off, I am not perfect! Not even close to being somewhat near it or even normal. But that is OK with me. I was thinking this morning (I have grand talks in my head! I write the BEST blogs in there, but getting it outside my head is where I falter.) My last three posts have been -I'm having a hard time dealing with my lovely children, -Look at the wonderful family I have, we went to the pumpkin farm, aren't we 'ideal'?!, and the third -I'm a quirky person. So I thought, when reading someones blog what do people really want to read about? How perfect my family is? How messed up I am? Everything about me under the sun? I love this blogging thing, it has reacquainted me with people from moons ago. People can have a peek into my life even if they are shy and we don't talk that often. My family can have access to me at their discretion. It's a great thing, but is there a line that needs to be drawn? Should I only put what I think others would want to hear? Do I paint a picture of the 'Perfect' family? Do I conform to what others think I should be?
I just finished reading a book called Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli. It's a children's/youth chapter book. I'm not a English major or book critic, but I enjoyed the book. It made me think! That's what I like about books, they make me think about things that maybe I never would have in a way totally different than any way in my past. Not to ruin the story for you, but it is about a girl who is a free spirit! She is who she is. She is not a clone of everyone else, she doesn't do what everyone else does. At one point in the story she changes to what others want her to be. But she isn't happy and it doesn't last long. She goes back to her true self and is happy. It made me start thinking am I so worried about fitting into the 'role' I've been assigned or group of friends or even my spot in my family that I have stopped being me? Do I do, say, dress, act the way others think I should, or do I do what I do for me. Now I'm not talking about being selfish, I'm talking about being true to myself. If someone is saying something I don't agree with but the rest of the group just goes along with, do I say how I really feel? Or do I just go along with the group?
When we first moved into this ward I didn't feel I 'belonged'. I didn't look like, or dress like the other women my age. I felt like because of that (and having family in the ward at the time) I had a hard time making friends. I have friends now, but have I morphed myself into a clone of them? Who am I? Don't get me wrong I love my friends! They are so amazing and I feel blessed everyday that I am able to associate with them and feel their impact in my life. I am surrounded in this sisterhood of relief society by wonderful women. I am in awe of how blessed I am to be able to learn from you all, to associate with you, to feel of your love, and in turn learn to love you for the unique and individual people you are. But then I think how many of us are feeling like I've been. Wondering who I really am. Wondering if I'll be accepted even if you all knew all my faults and shortcomings.
The words a counselor I saw once upon a time, are what I think of: Acceptance, Unconditional Love. The two things I yearn for most in my life. For me the acceptance come from accepting people as they are. Loving them despite there quirks and shortcomings.
Maybe I'm to critical of myself, maybe I have no "self-esteem', maybe once I accept my self as I am, then I won't rely so much on your acceptance. I don't know. I think I'm rambling now, and you are all wishing you had not visited my blog! Oh well!
Thanks for entering my brain! Part of me wants to read this blog to Blake to make sure it is not to crazy, that is would be acceptable to all. But the other part of me, the Stargirl part of me. wants to publish this post and let it all loose.
Remember to take part in my poll!!!
6 comments:
I will be part of your brain anytime
Sarah, I love you no matter what you do or don't do. You do not have to be perfect or just ike me or just like any other woman out there, in anyway shape or form. You are perfect just as you are because you are you.
I love to hear all about your daily life, your struggles, your ups, your downs, your quirks...in short all of those wonderful things that make you, you. All those wonderful things that make your family unique and beautiful!
I am not perfect, none of us are and I refuse to pretend to be anything but what I am... a flawed, wacky, struggling, daughter of my Heavenly Father.
Who loves her children one moment and then wants to scream at the heavens 'this is not how I saw my life when I was younger', the next. I mean seriously, at no point in my fantasies, did anyone throw up on me and at no point did I ever dream, my beuaitful little 2 yr old would smile at me one second and then thwack me upside the head with a Tonka truck just cause he wanted to see what would happen.
I realize you will probably not post this message and that's fine but I wanted to make sure you saw this...if you try to be what everyone else wants you to be, you will end up depressed like Stargirl was and probably on Prozac.
'Life is not staying out of the rain but learning to dance in it'. Dance in the rain Sarah, be who you want to be. Heavenly Father loves you because you are flawed and because you try so hard to make Him proud. That is all that matters.
You have read my blog I do not hold anything back. I am who I am and if people don't appreciate my wit, sarcasm, and heart that is their problem...not mine. I like who I am. Maybe I am too blunt or honest to some people but they don't matter because the ones who do matter are the ones who love me no matter what.
We all have 'those' days. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar and they will have to face Heavenly Father at the last day. Be true to yourself. And everything else will balance itself out. Love you girl!! Bug hugs and smooches to you!!!
I think everyone struggles with these same issues. Society definitely has a "normal", but maybe that is not your "normal". After a lot of thought I have decided that you definitely have to be who you are and not what others want you to be. That's one of the reasons I fell in love with Pete, because he is himself, always! He doesn't try to be someone else to conform. I need to be more like him!
I like reading blogs that have flaws and all...it is nice to know that others aren't perfect, either! As for my blog, (as you know)I am going to print it out for our family scrapbook/photo album and for that reason I keep it to just stuff about our family happenings. (not that I can ever keep up with it...:(
However, I think it is great, and theraputic to write your feelings down. I need to start doing this-- just not sure in what forum.
I think that you are a great person, quirks and all and agree that you have to be YOU and happy with yourself FIRST. That's something I really am working on, too.
I love your blog, from the quirks to the perfection! Thanks for sharing so nicely what I think most of us are feeling. You are awesome!
I've had thoughts like yours. That's when I wrote the "It's Ok" post in june. Just be the best you you can be and you'll do fine. I think you are a great person.
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